1. We are both standing on paddleboards.

It should come as no surprise that my permit picture is horrid. My hair looks too candyfloss and my eyes have gone pistachio and I can’t imagine anyone will take seriously my status as a newly minted adult.

We knew the clown was different by his business card, which advertised “Sensible Entertainment for the Betterment of Children.”

Soooo I'm stuck here at Dancing Dolphin Indoor Waterpark for, like, a million hours until my probation officer says I'm done.

 “Happy Thanksgiving,” Carl said.     
“Speak for yourself, scumbag,” a burly, bearded man in the front row replied.

My lovers strain and headache, all junkies,a midnight tightrope act in spurs, uncouth,feet suspended down into black, pinkiesup. Yours or mine? I want it in the mouth.

The big red nightmare dog terrorizes our town. We all despise and live in fear of this giant beast who blocks out the sun and deprives us of light. “The gargantuan mutt is everywhere,” the children ask, “but where is God?”

I used to think it was cool how good Uncle Rick was at skimboarding, how into it he was. He had a rap about it – Zen and the art of skimboarding.

“Uh-oh.”

“What—what is it?”

“I’ve travestied myself.”

“Umm…”