Many of you have asked me–Bev, you’ve been out some time, how do we answer the numerous pesky questions our friends and family routinely ask us about being a queer? Well, here’s my cheat sheet for the top ten questions that may come up during the course of your lesbian life.

Which one of you is the man?
Why do we have to start here? Can I take a pass. No? I could be flippant and say, Which one of you is the man, but where would that get us? Let me rephrase; I think what you are really asking is which one of you had a mullet in high school, and after decades of therapy I would have to say me.

So what do two women (lesbians) do in bed?
This is a very personal question and if you feel in anyway uncomfortable answering it then do not. But if, for example, your crying, drunk mother wakes you up from a deep sleep at two in the morning and proceeds to talk at length about your father’s impotency, and hell she was a virgin when she met him and even though she has stuck by him through thick and thin, she still doesn’t know what an orgasm is like, even if you are just 12 and painfully shy. If she then asks you what do two women (lesbians) do in bed, I think you owe her an answer.

Is it still sex if there is no penis involved?
Define penis. I’m sorry? My job is to provide answers. Well, if we define penis like this: The penis is an external sexual organ of certain biologically male organisms. And sex like this: Sex is a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into male and female reproductive roles. I would say no. But, if we define penis like this: Hefty testicles, sculpted veins and head, and a warm velvety feel. The attached suction cup adheres to any hard, smooth surface and allows for hands-free play. And sex like this: Her tiny plump pearl began to swell and drip with hot lather. I would still say no.

Was it our fault? I know it was your Father’s fault but was it mine?
Since fault does not consist of a single, clean fracture I can safely blame you both.

Have you preyed about this?
Contrary to popular belief, gay people don’t prey on others! I find this offensive that you are insinuating we lie in wait for you people. Come on, how can we participate in active dialogue if these stereotypes exist? I’m inclined to end this discussion immediately until–oh whoops, typo. My mistake; I do apologize. Have I prayed about this? Yes, it is part of my morning routine to pray the gay to stay. Then I get dressed, brush my teeth, grab the car keys and continue my slow march to hell.

Can lesbians be friends without fucking?
No, we fuck everything.

Why can’t you just be androgynous?
Bear with me. I don’t want my remarks to be taken out of context. It is my understanding that rock stars are androgynous along with the Hindu god Shiva, orchids and snails. I can see myself living a happy productive life in that company. As a kid, did you ever hang upside-down, either off the side of your bed or on monkey bars? Do you remember viewing the world upside-down, and imagining what it would be like to live that way? In the future I won’t repeat my mistakes!

Did you and Sherry have some sort of ceremony? I found a roll of negatives under the couch.
You caught me. I removed the negatives of little Frankie’s christening to make room. In all seriousness I concede that most lesbian commitment ceremonies are identical to the Sunnyside Playhouse production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. The most exasperating part of all this is how unattractive you find Sherry.

Have you and Sherry had relations?
I think the bigger issue here is using the term relations. Perhaps the two of us need to head on down to Fist City in Knuckle Junction and sort things out.

Are you sure?
Honestly, did they even have this sort of thing in your time?

Julia Tranchina is a MFA candidate at Bennington College. She lives in San Jose, California.