EDITOR’S NOTE: Have you ever read a story and thought, man, I wonder the the hell that came from? Or read a turn of phrase and thought, shit, that was beautiful — I’d be really pleased with myself if I wrote that? Basically, have you ever wanted to get into the head of somebody who’s written a really thought-provoking, interesting, funny, simple but not really that simple at all, alltogether kickass story? Now you have the chance: we’ve asked Michael Czyzniewjewski, author of one of our favorite stories from our new issue, The Atheist Reconsiders, to give us a little look under the hood. Following is an annotated version of the story, with Mike’s comments and thoughts musings included: just mouse over the underlined/linked words or phrases and Mike’s thoughts will pop up like, um, thoughts. Enjoy!

The idea for this story came about like a lot of ideas I get, me off in dreamland, a notion popping into my head. What I remember about this story was lying in bed and thinking it was a story I definitely had to write, being excited about it, then forgetting the idea. That happens a lot when I don’t write things down, but I really liked this idea, so I spent a couple of weeks trying to regrab it. It was like trying to remember a dream, though, and it wasn’t easy. But, just like it came to me originally, it popped back in my head again, and so I wouldn’t forget again, I repeated, “Atheist aliens. Atheist aliens. Atheist aliens” a hundred times so I wouldn’t forget. (I guess I didn’t have a pen on me at the time.)The Atheist Reconsiders

Michael Czyzniejewski is the author of Elephants in Our Bedroom, a book of amazing stories that should be bought immediately by all of you. Seriously. If you dig Barrelhouse, you’re going to really love this book. Head on over to Dzanc Books and buy it now.

The aliens themselves don’t change his mind. A lot of people find God the day the ships come, but not I struggled a bit with keeping this “our hero” stuff in, as I wasn’t sure if it was going to work. It sounded a bit too classical, too old-school storytelling, but I did want to insert the idea of a hero into the readers’ heads, as this is what the atheist thinks himself as, at least in this story. He really believes he is doing good for everyone, that his cause is the most important in the history of the world.our hero. If anything, their arrival proves he’s been right all along. A certain smugness sets in, self-affirmation, several I-told-you-so speeches forming in his head, the exact list of who he’s going to call. He has a tremendous ego. He has to. Anyone who’s so sure he’s right would.Some champagne and a cigar might be in order, the proof he’s been waiting for landing in the middle of the Mall, practically a smack in the face to anyone who’s ever believed in anything.

But on the newscast, the original break-into-your-regularly-scheduled-program announcement, the one broadcast to billions on every station in every country on Earth, the atheist sees something to make him pause. Not on the speaker alien at the podium, the apparent leader, but the one to his right, the alien who keeps wiping its brow, shifting his weight back and forth as if anxious. Around this nervous one’s neck, the atheist sees, or maybe imagines, what could be anything, but appears to be, unless he’s mistaken and he probably is, The crucifix is probably the root of the story, of the idea, that an alien race would have a Jesus, too, that light years away, the Christian mythology exists, on every planet where there’s intelligent life. They’d all, sooner or later, need saving as well. a crucifix.

One trinket, especially so unverified, cannot change a lifetime of staunch insistence, not without indisputable evidence. However, one interstellar crucifix can pique curiosity, or at the very least, a burning desire, in yet another way, to prove that you are right. The atheist takes this opportunity, recording the broadcast, playing and replaying the tape, in slow motion, back and forth, for the better part of three days. To his chagrin, the object, cast in what could only be described as Like a Dungeons & Dragons gamepiece.a tin pewter, not only appears to be a crucifix, but is more than similar in appearance to Earth’s own — beard, crown of thorns, loin cloth, the whole deal. The only difference lies in anatomy: “In His own image.” I like what this does with the notion of what God looks like, that maybe there was some creative license with each and every Genesis. Or God has many forms. Something like that.This space Jesus looks like the aliens, sporting their broad foreheads, star-shaped ears, and, braided gracefully together, I like this image a lot. I was happy when it appeared on the page. I can really picture a marble statue of this in the front of a church, on the wall of my living room as a kid.three legs nailed to a point instead of two. Without a doubt, the charm is a crucifix, 2000 light years traveled, its story, undoubtedly, mirroring our own. No coincidence was taking place: The aliens believed in God, and worse yet, they were Catholics.

I was raised Catholic, too, so the atheist had to be Catholic. Plus, Catholics have all the history, all the rules, and the most contradictions. I imagine that atheists scoff at the Catholics more than anyone. Raised a Catholic himself, the atheist feels conflicted about his beliefs, this for the first time since becoming an atheist, second semester, I remember how susceptible to ideas, to philosophies, I was in college. I wanted to learn, wanted to absorb. Plus, I think that where most people get talked into things, college. A pseudo-intellectual, I was, but naïve and trusting …sophomore year of college. While most of his friends were smoking hash, skipping class, and changing majors, the atheist was declaring disbelief. If pressed, the atheist would say his conversion resulted from years of study, facts upon facts contradicting shaky, inconsistent doctrine, an enlightenment of simple common sense; … and horny. Young boys are most susceptible to girls, I think. When I was in college, a girl, in her room, at 1 in the morning, smoking pot and sitting on her bed in shorts and a T-shirt, probably could have talked me into anything. I would have just nodded and tried to breathe. Through my mouth. Forcing myself to look in her eyes and she explained whatever.really, it was a girl. A red-haired, free-spirited, chain pot-smoking, God-doubting girl, one from his chemistry lecture, a spoiled nymphet whom the atheist dated for exactly 40 days; whom left college that summer, moved to Texas and married a dentist; a girl who would raise five children, the whole lot of them Baptists, Bible-beating, self-righteous, stubborn In my mind, the opposite of an atheist.Baptists; Baptists who kept their family history recorded in the front pages of one such beaten Bible. But the atheist, moved by their break up, remained steadfast. His father’s shocking recovery from brain cancer did not impede him, nor did any of the minor miracles he himself experienced: his last-second appendectomy, People with money seem to have more time to fight for their causes. The lottery was a good detail, and would give the atheist his launching pad. Maybe a $4 million would have been better, but sometimes people just win a small fortune. For the atheist, it would be enough.winning $400,000 in the Powerball, not even the birth of his children, Everyone is tested…one 4 months premature. Once a man goes so far, pledging himself beyond doubt, beyond skepticism, committing himself so assuredly, it’s hard to back down and not look like a fool. The atheist was not, after all, out looking for ways to disprove himself — only quite the opposite. But who would ever guess that This still makes me smile, every time I read it. Catholic aliens would land their ship outside the front doors of the Air and Space Museum? Irony, along with spirituality, was not lost on these beings.

The next several weeks prove intense for the atheist, the I also still love the idea that these aliens would be as in love with symbols and trinkets as we are. I just like the notion that they wear normal clothes—in movies and comics, aliens are either dressed like astronauts, all in silver space suits, or they’re naked. Why wouldn’t the clothing industry take off with other intelligent beings? I like the image of an alien wearing a suit, or kicking back in sweat pants and white socks. If God made them and gave them Jesus, why would God give them shame? And soon after civilization started wearing clothes, there’d be fashion faux pas. And slobs. I just wish I’d worked in an alien rosary, to throw in the Mary angle as well. This story is part of a new manuscript, my second collection, and to be sure, I will throw an alien rosary in somewhere—more than a crucifix, I think a rosary is what really separates Catholics from other faiths. Even thinking alien virgin and alien manger and alien little drummer boy makes me smile.
crucifix-bearing alien standing in the background for each and every feed. The atheist pegs this one as either the second in command or some sort of PR consultant, an interstellar spin doctor. Soon, pictures and movies of the aliens’ home world are broadcast, images to make the visitors seem more like us. In most ways, it works, our planet’s citizens given many reasons to relate, to accept the visitors as friends. The story really came together when I extended my vision of alien fashion to alien everything: They would be just like us, except with the three legs and big foreheads and stuff. When I came up with this, it was a sprint to the end.The aliens have large cities, small villages, neighborhoods. They live in houses and apartments, drive vehicles that resemble cars. They wear clothes, eat at restaurants, play competitive sports, suffer vices, and much to the atheist’s dismay, worship God. Or, in some cases, multiple gods: From what the atheist can tell, the aliens have temples and mosques in addition to churches, three-legged Buddhas, Yahwehs, and Mohammeds adorning all sorts of comparable buildings, relics, and baubles. The aliens have religion, and seemingly, freedom of religion as well.

But it is in this freedom the The story needed a turn … and going back to the atheist’s stubborn thoughts seemed like what I HAD to do. Converting him wasn’t any fun, not for the long haul. atheist finds hope. Along with religious freedom comes religious doubt, and with religious doubt comes religious strife. Religious war is not so far a stretch from there. The atheist knows having so many religions means that someone is wrong, if not necessarily everyone, that somebody, on the aliens’ planet as well as ours, is worshipping something that doesn’t exist. And if there are aliens worshipping things that don’t exist, there have to be aliens refusing to worship things that don’t exist: Again, this makes me smile.space atheists, the atheist concludes. Outstanding.

The ultimate sign of ego: To think that you, or what you represent, exists in all realities, that what you do is so important, you couldn’t NOT exist. It’s almost solipsistic.In fact, there is probably an alien atheist thinking the same way our atheist is thinking, thinking of our atheist, our hero, and smiling, rooting for him to fight the good fight on Earth. Both atheists are contending that it is possible for Of course, I imagine this happening in infinite realities, not just two, on infinite planets that support intelligent life. You know, like Carl Sagan said.two worlds to, coincidentally, have the exact same deities — and for all of them to be wrong. The atheist, our Earth atheist, feels better than he has in a long time when he considers this celestial counterpart. He’s so happy, he walks outside his house, stares up at the stars, and bows. Then the atheist goes back inside and watches more 24-hour alien coverage, spying all the silly, God-fearing aliens, firmly believing that his counterpart is smiling, too, taking a little time to gloat. He is without a doubt stuck between swells of smug self-righteousness, and the ever-so-important fight to have the word God wiped clean from all alien government documents, cease tax exemption for alien religious organizations, Last but not least, this notion of removing religious artifacts from public really fueled this story. When I was a kid, there was this city park, two towns over (Munster, Indiana), that had a crucifix at one of its corners, at a very busy intersection (Route 41 and Route 6). When I was small, I didn’t notice it, because I was Catholic, and there were crucifixes all over the place. But soon, a local atheist—the guy I base my atheist on — fought tooth and nail to have it removed. It was a large debate in the local paper, on local news, and of course, he was vilified. But he fought and fought, as if he had all the time and resources in the world (hence the lottery win, and his age — retired people seem to have causes). Of course, my mom thought he was a jerk and an idiot and that he was going to Hell, and I was on her side: I was Catholic, and a good team member. I rooted against him and atheism like I would root against the Cardinals or the Packers (i.e., I hated him with all that I was). Eventually, after like ten years, he won out, and the park removed the crucifix, replacing it with an eternal flame, a shiny granite structure with an ever-going fire. Everyone was happy — except my mom and the other Catholics who fought the Atheist — democracy and the Constitution prevailing. And moreso, one cranky, persistent atheist.
and have every single alien crucifix removed from alien public squares.