You have to love a guy who says things like “flying is my art” and “nice guys finish last” and is being sincere.  The current bachelor, Jake, is 31 and single and thinks it is the end of the world, but never fear, The Bachelor is here to save the day.

One of the things I appreciate most about The Bachelor franchise is the way they seem to acknowledge how ludicrous the whole scenario is. They’ve even given this season a subtitle: On the Wings of Love and I think that is awesome.

Let us get to know the girls:

• Ali, is 25 and she has lost many a boyfriend to slutty roommates and video games. Poor gal. She thinks Jake is “the cutest.”
• Alexa is 25 and an adrenaline junkie. “The second you straddle your motorcycle, ahhhhhh!” Need I say more?
• Tenley is 25 and likes to do cartwheels and weird jumps on the beach. She married as a virgin and is now divorced because there was some unfaithfulness which the rest of us might refer to as infidelity. She is looking for a knight in shining armor.
• Elizabeth is a 29 year old captain in the national guard. She’s like the old butch girl. She admits she doesn’t have fashion sense because she’s been in a uniform forever. She also has a thing for pilots.
• Rozlyn is 28 and she says, “I’ve been a model, like, forever.” I think she’s a catalog model.
  Christina, 25, is a bitchy guys girl. She can’t handle small talk with females so she practices talking to a mirror about accessories.
• Vienna is 23 and just graduated from college. She’s unemployed but she has huge breasts and she’s a daddy’s girl. “I’m a little princess,” she claims proudly. She also dresses her puppy so I’m sure she’ll make it to the finale.
• Ashley, 29, gets clothes from her mother all the time because she’s a teacher and on a teacher’s salary.
• Elizabeth, 29, is a nanny who likes to show off her widely separated boobs by staring at the camera with a smoldering expression. She’s also competitive and doesn’t know how to handle all the other skanks she’s dating Jake with.
• Ella, 29, is the Southern girl. She has a son, who is her angel. She think she and Jake are mean to be. She knows what she wants and she’s there to get it. Recognize, bitches. She will knock someone out.
• Gia is 26, and a New Yorker. She’s a pageant girl and looks quite hungry. She wants Jake to love her immediately, at first sight.
• Kimberly is 24 and never thought in a million years this would happen to her.
• Emily, 23, is so excited.
• Tiana, the other old girl, is 31 and wants the young girls to LOOK OUT.
• Caitlyn, 24, is gonna dominate. I love it when these girls throw down some attitude.
• Kirsten, 25, will definitely cut a bitch.
• Michelle, 25, is ready to be a wife. She wants the other girls to SCAT or get lost. Meow.

Now that we’ve met the girls minus the ethnic gals who won’t get chosen because they never do and are always sad sad tokens, we get a nice gratuitous shot of short little Jake in the shower. He has a great body but there’s nothing more depressing than a short man who tries to overcompensate. His little legs are so cute. There there little fella.

Jake drives into the porte cochere where he will meet the 25 beauties from whence he will choose a bride on a motorcycle. He talks with the host about why he’s doing this ridiculous search for love and then there’s the awkward meetings with each girl where very awkward and often inane conversations take place. I think the saddest part is how the girls have clearly rehearsed their intros and have put time and effort into them. After they meet the bachelor, the girls congregate in the McManse and wait for the processional to finish and wax poetic about Jake’s beauty. One girl sighs and says, “He’s so dreamy,” and her sincerity is heartbreaking.

The important thing about watching a given season of The Bachelor is being able to spot the crazy early on. This season, there’s a lot of crazy starting with Christina who brought her competition little bag of jelly beans as a preemptive consolation prize and then made Jake play airplane with her like she’s six.  Also bringing the crazy is Ashley who changed into a stewardess outfit during the cocktail party and then the rest of the girls let their bitch claws right out to voice their opinions on the matter. The consensus is that she was pretty desperate. Even more crazy ensues when another girl takes Jake out onto the driveway to play football and then the whole herd makes their way out there and an impromptu evening gown football rumble breaks out.

The Bachelor offers really interesting insights into women. Michelle, 25, feels she deserves Jake and that a husband and children will make her feel even and unbelievable and like, complete. She thinks Jake is a dream and just, again, she DESERVES him and then, as always, another girl makes it clear that she’s not that desperate. Point, counterpoint.  Also, its clear that Michelle is going to be the one girl who is batshit all season long. When she talks with Ed and Jillian from the last season who are there to help Jake make his decision, she gets super insane. Can’t wait to see what other shenanigans she brings.

Something we’ll have to ponder throughout the season: What does it mean to “be here for the right reasons?” Given that the medium is reality television and not say, mass, what is the threshold for nobility?

What is a “cuddle bug”?

GOD BLESS TELEVISION.