First, the obvious: I’m not going to see the GI Joe movie, and I honestly can’t think of a good reason why any adult would do such a thing. I had no intention of seeing it in the first place– it’s got to be a nonsensical, ’splosion-filled 2-hour commercial for toys and video games, right? (And yes, I know the original cartoon was essentially a series of half-hour commercials for toys, and also for awareness of the dangers of handling live wires and hiding in discarded refrigerators)– but then Roger Ebert’s review sealed it for me. The opening line:

“G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is a 118-minute animated film with sequences involving the faces and other body parts of human beings. It is sure to be enjoyed by those whose movie appreciation is defined by the ability to discern that moving pictures and sound are being employed to depict violence.

(In case you’ve forgotten about Ebert, he’s still pretty good at what he does. Check out this opening paragraph from his review of the new Transformers movie:

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.

Pretty awesome.)

Anyway, this is all a long way of me saying I’m not seeing the GI Joe movie, despite the fact that, as a child, I spent more time with my GI Joes than I did with my human friends. And when I was with my human friends, it was generally so we could play with our GI Joes (note: not a euphemism). I’m not resisting the film because I stopped liking GI Joe, or because I started questioning what it truly means to be a real American hero, or because I was sick of them never actually shooting anybody, or wondering what sort of elite armed forces would employ such a motley collection of butch gay (note: homosexuality unconfirmed) men in Halloween costumes. If someone made a legit film based on the GI Joe characters and world– as opposed to some focus-grouped blockbuster mess designed for MTV audiences– I would totally watch it.

Thankfully, someone has made such a film.

(NOTE: I wouldn’t recommend watching this in front of children or employers).

Canzo Empyrean, in which Destro (my Halloween costume for three consecutive years. Seriously) appears to be some sort of serious international bio-terrorist who also hosts orgies and has a bizarre creepy voice, and everything in the whole movie looks awesome.

But… sadly, I cannot find this film. Apparently there’s a real mystery about the origins and current status of this film, including, specifically, how one can actually view it if they wanted to. Maybe we’re in the early stages of a viral marketing campaign. Maybe it’s a hoax. Maybe the movie will eventually devour us all. Or maybe it’s coming out next year or something, I don’t know. Point is, it’s totally bizarre in what appears to be an awesome way, and is somehow related to Liberia, and I want to see it, and now so do you.