Weird Love: Three Poems by Mary Stone

[Jennifer Gets Over Her Ex]

She realizes it’s been months
since she logged into his email
or checked his browsing history
for more searches of women
popping giant cysts or world record
boob jobs and hairy pussy shots.
He’d always used “walrus” in his password
and she remembers his dumb face
and sex noises like a walrus’s
underwater wail, a sound that rivals
that of a humpback whale in heat.
She thinks of his face the night
he jumped out of her car
on a dark gravel road,
his walrus bark
when she ran over his foot.
He’d come home with a cast
and a reason to quit
his job again, to order porn
through her DirecTV account.
His face is there when she snorts
Klonopin and paints over
his fingerprints in her house,
each doorway a portal of semen
and shame. She hates the smell
of his left behind pillow, hates
not knowing who he fucks
without a condom,
whose fingers rub his dirty beard.
Early in their relationship,
she’d found him in bed
with another woman
and smashed empty liquor bottles
in the living room.
They had sex on broken glass
and her fingers smelled
like Jack Daniels for years.
When he kissed her,
she saw streetlights bend
into roads and shatter.
Now, she knows how to block
a bitch’s number, how to cut
with a high heel, or to drive by
enough times to leave behind
her copper scent.

 

What I’m Doing With My Life

Composed entirely of lines from OK Cupid dating profiles

 

Do you drink whiskey?

I’m trying to meet someone
who’s unapologetically sexual,
somebody who’s equally interested
in getting dressed up to go
to The Green Lady Lounge
or going somewhere to play
darts or pool.

I’m a professional
extrovert, skipping all the boring parts.
I’m really good at eating pussy
and I love thunderstorms.
I’m the king
of my grill, can build
an engine or a house but come home
and draw a bath for a woman.

I have a job
working as a Software Engineer
to pay bills. Board member
of a nonprofit, comedian.
I teach Arabic for whoever
wants to learn. I don’t charge
for that. I sing in a heavy metal
band called With Heavy Hearts.
I recently doubled my income.
My two year old is asleep on my lap
right now as I listen to Johnny Cash
and watch paranormal shows on Netflix.
I rarely wear underwear, but when I do,
it’s usually something exotic.

I taught my five-year old to bake bread today.
I will always plant a flower garden
for my daughter/your daughter/our daughter(s).
There’s not really much that I can’t do
with my hands.

 

Inbox

Composed entirely from OK Cupid inbox messages

 

*
Good morning. You caught my attention. Did you know the bear population is very scarce in this part of the country? You don’t even need to hang your sandwiches up in the tree. You have a lot on your profile and I apologize for not reading it but want to be friends with benefits. I am built for comfort, not for speed, a career soldier. I’d like to converse. Your profile is such an incredible turn-on. Did Jerry Maguire get at least a few tears from you? Thank you for being so beautiful.

*

We are looking for a girlfriend. Someone to meet up with once a month.

*

Roundabouts are actually efficient ways of controlling traffic and loss of life. If only they weren’t so fucking annoying to drive around. The force is strong in you. I’m a married man, looking for a spontaneous woman. Want to have an ongoing affair?

*

Wanted to let you know you have the best profile of the day. I’m a mailman and a gentleman. What did the pirate say when the steering wheel fell out of his pants? Sexy lady, let’s talk. I think we should grow flowers along the state highways. Do you know how many acres there happen to be in the medians?

*

I’ve spent much thought in disclosing who I am and how I enjoy being a pleasure giver. I’m good in bed. Just saying. The register here was worth it just to see you. You are absolutely gorgeous and that’s not even the one of the most interesting things about you. You have sparked my interest. I’m sorry for being so forward but you my lady have got quite the lovely physique and body there. A beautiful, alluring face. Are you into the phone sex thing?

*

You are everything in a woman that a man is afraid of.

*

I passed a car on I-29 the other morning. Looked like you driving. I was telling someone about the panel discussion I went to Friday morning: “Contemporary Sexual Culture, Gender Equality & Sex Positivity.” How’s that for mundane?

*

We should go ride some roller coasters together and I would so let you make out with me.

*

The more I write about myself, the more I realize that I could be saying the wrong words and lose the right girl’s attention. I’ve been used for a little human interaction and then discarded like a cheap date. I’m not an asshole unless I’m forced to be. You and tequila is a good song, but it’s a duet.

*

Well I sure in the hell don’t intend on dying here, so when will we get out of here for that ocean view, Bonnie? If you ain’t ready, Clyde will go ahead and find a good spot on the beach. Just follow the dead bodies. You will find me.