#BHRoast

A found essay compiled using tweets from our Twitter-based 10th birthday roast on 2/17/14. All tweets found by searching #BHRoast.

Let’s get this started! Just put on pajamas and about to pour a drink. ready to roastmast! Bourbon poured. Game on. This #bhroast is actually a desperate move from @barrelhouse to prevent their editors from living in houses made of barrels. I’m not good at being mean. except when I do it unintentionally & then I’m like OH shit I didn’t mean that? I’m here cuz I heard this was gonna be like some kinda Silver Linings Playbook twitter book club. I LOVE that book! Participating in this roast makes me feel sleazy and awful. Was I not supposed to roast? Oops, oh well. Just did.

Remember that one CC roast where all those comedians roasted some guy no one had heard of? This is kinda like that. Even Franco had more people at his roast. I don’t get it. Don’t worry if you don’t really know anything about Barrelhouse. Only, like, the 16 people who want Bhouse to accept one of their stories know about them at all anyway. No one seems to know how many Barrelhouse editors there are. Okay so I thought that this was just a 2 man operation Dave Housely and Mike Barrel. There are actually more than 2 people involved than those two drunk guys? Let’s be honest… nobody has any idea who Joe Killiany is, much less his footwear tendencies. I’ve never heard any gossip of any of the Barrelhouse guys hooking up at AWP. I’ve only met these guys once and that was more than enough. I don’t remember anything but the smell. WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?! No, seriously though. who’s Joe Killiany? Started a lit mag about roasting Barrelhouse and it’s already got a wider circulation than Barrelhouse. wait. who the eff is Dan Brady?? Hold up–he’s an ADULT man? I didn’t even know what Barrelhouse was until tonight.

Top Google search result for their name is still a DC liquor store. Dave Housley is usually drunk when he asks me to do stuff. Despite being, like, dad old. The editors founded BH as an excuse to drink cheap beer and publish good writing. They’re still working on that 2nd part. Slowly realizing this will never be a barrel home. Seems like Barrelhouse should be funnier. Nice beards and glasses guys! A Mr. T background? OMG that’s so 80s and ironic. The official editors’ response is just going to be 80 random White Snake lyrics written in beeper code. My husband named our dog Swayze and now when people ask her name I have to tell them. Thanks, Barrelhouse. Sometimes I wonder why those guys didn’t just get a homebrew kit and call it a day. Sober up, Housley.

Who needs another lit journal? When I joined Barrelhouse, I was warned about the “lady problem.” Even Robert Plant thinks the name Barrelhouse is a terrible cultural appropriation. Barrelhouse is kinda like if the wu tang was 9 U-Gods. I don’t care that everyone says you’re just a poor man’s @NarrativeMag. Probably the best literary magazine produced by that room of chimps. They work exclusively on Commodore 64s. The editors are so ill informed that they cannot distinguish recto from verso! Turn it into something else, man. For years I subscribed to @barrelhouse, then I switched to @Charmin. Barrelhouse: Taking the Joy Out of Shitting Since 2004!It takes Barrelhouse longer to get through its slush pile than it took AWP to tell its vendors about Pay to Play Saturday. My death was foretold at AWP 2010 & I’m still alive past the prediction man Barrelhouse is bad at soothsaying am i doing this right. If you piled every copy of @barrelhouse end to end you could reach the end of a rope, finally, sweet mercy.

Issue 11 was printed on stale crackers. The ink was frosting. Dave included an apology note for eating part of the issue. I got my copy of Barrelhouse 12 this weekend. I put it in a pan with some carrots and potatoes. I put it in the oven.

I’ve published twice in BH, and the shots I had to get afterward didn’t quite clear everything up. Their shit stays with u 4ever. Hey guys–just keep the $50 you were going to pay me for my story in the latest Barrelhouse…oh wait, you already did. They decided to pay their writers in hard boiled eggs. All Barrelhouse ever gave me was bad touches.  I haven’t been accepted by BH. Be nice and hope that will create some good will & barrelhouse will finally take your shitty poem about Patrick Swayze’s brother. This barrelhouse roast : Barrelhouse itself :: Patrick Swayze : Don Swayze. TIP: include the words “Donkey Kong” in your story. They’ll think it’s real cutting edge. THAT’S how I end up in Barrelhouse! Every now & then I drag one to my recycle bin, then it appears in their next issue. Still need more time to come to terms with it. When the Barrelhouse site got hacked for like the 36th time by Estonian children & my story was erased forever, I puked in relief. Never published in Barrelhouse cuz I have too much self-respect.

Book Fight is just 7 solid hours of Dave and Mike (I guess that’s the other guy’s name?) making books fight like action figures. Drunk, jaded editors messing w/a tape recorder. I heard they auditioned for The View but were turned down for being too shrill. Anyone know where Mike and Tom went to grad school? Nevermind, I’ll just listen to 3 minutes of @Book_Fight and they’ll tell me. Wait. Did they talk about Alpha/Omega slashfic in this newest Book Fight just to give us material? Driving through Camden was the best part of being on Book Fight.

By the way, this is probably the part in the roast where we tell @barrelhouse they’re the best. It’s been fun. Much love to the Barrelhouse gang. Nothing but love to my big brothers. I’d be nothing if not for your advice and support. Here’s to another 10. They may not hit home runs, but they know how to draw a walk. Honestly, though, I can’t imagine DC without them, and hope I never have to. I can’t wait to see what you have for us next. Big hugs and stolen tequila to you all. <3 <3 <3 Let’s not kid ourselves. Those assholes really only wanted this roast for their Klout scores. In all seriousness though, Wafflehouse > Barrelhouse.